13 Signs
by EmeraldEyez1728
Summary: I've got a test for you, James. We need to see how you feel about Miss Evans before you drive us all insane.' A cute and extremely funny Lily James oneshot! Please R and R


**A/N: Just a little something to get me back into the fanfic writing mode. I had taken a break to do NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) for November, but now that that is over, its all the way. So here's me hoping everyone is having/has a very Happy Chrismahanakwanzica. Ahem, my greatest present by the way is reviewers :wink wink: **

**Disclaimer (which should have been here before but I totally forgot...) there's a mention of a 'contacts with Lily' notebook. Totally Cath's idea--on that note, I'm pimping out her story (It's called Obessive Lily Disorder and it's brilliant and I love her for writing it). So that bit is her's. The rest is pretty much mine. Minus the characters...And the setting and yeah which all belong to JKR. **

**13 Signs**

"—and today In Heads Duties she – "

"ARGHHHHH!" Sirius slammed his head against the polished wood table in the Gryffindor Common Room. The three marauders sat by the fire "_Muh-oony_ _he's doing it again,"_ he complained with too much irritability for James not to notice. It pulled him out of another Lily-mantra he landed in. He frowned.

"Doing what?"

"_It._" Sirius rounded on him "That _thing_," he described ever so clearly. "_It_." he hissed yet again.

"Please explain?" James turned to Remus, who was sitting in a red armchair reading _Magical Theory_ yet again. Sirius had a growing suspicion that Remus had actually read through the entire Hogwarts Library by their third year.

"You're going into a Lily-Daze. Again. You've been having them ever since fourth year. It's like epilepsy without medication. Your seizures are becoming more and more frequent," Remus theorized. Sirius sat there, rolling his eyes at Remus' ability to relate James' current condition to one with actual medical reasoning.

"If its an actual bloody medical condition, I'll be happy to perform europasia," Sirius grumbled, but raised a proud eyebrow, trying to see if anyone caught the word that he used.

"Euro--what?" James asked the incoherent Sirius. Sirius rolled his eyes at James' apparent ignorance.

"Europasia! You know, killing someone to put them out of their misery." Sirius tapped his nose. Remus shook his head as his friend continued to butcher the English language.

"Sirius, that's _euthanasia_ you're talking about."

Peter looked up from his Exploding Snap game and cocked his head to the side. "What do young Chinese people have to do with killing someone to put them out of their misery?" he asked with curiosity.

"Chinese people kill?!"

"Some Chinese people can kill—"

"This is quite an culture filled day for me. First I make out with that hot Japanese chick in Ravenclaw and now I learn that Chinese people kill?! Asia's totally AWESOME!"

"They obviously send the little ones to do their dirty work too, cus its _youth_ in Asia—"

"OH WOW! Is it like a Mob?! Are they murderers over there or something!?"

"No they apparently think what they're doing is good because they think they're putting someone out of their misery—"

"THEY TORTURE THEM BEFORE KILLING THEM!? COO.L!! I wanna live there. Peter we're taking a trip to China—"

"Sirius you'd be dead the second you opened your mouth."

"Way to be a party pooper Jamesy boy."

"It's what I live for—"

"No!!" Remus finally put an end to the madness "Not Youth in Asia, _euthanasia_."

"I fail to see the difference in pronunciation," Sirius proclaimed with a blank look.

"Well I don't care, that's the correct term! It is, by no means, europasia, Sirius."

"I'm a pasia, am I?" Sirius, who had the memory of a rodent, took his newly created word as an insult. "Yeah?! Well you're a DUCK! Take THAT!"

Remus looked puzzled by Sirius' rebuttal. "How is a duck insulting?"

"They…quack and stuff? I don't know, they're just so bloody annoying! Sort of like James. I know I was trying to make a point earlier about him, remind me what it was again Moony?"

"That you're getting sick of listening to him?"

"That's it!" He rounded on James again and put on his "angry Sirius face". "I'm sick of listening to you!!"

James looked a bit shocked by this outburst. "Well Merlin Padfoot, all you had to do was stop me—"

"No! See that's the problem. I couldn't. I've seduced your process! You like to hear the sound of your own voice and then you tune out everyone else around you! It's a bloody nightmare! Why are you looking at me like I'm constipated…or even worse, is my hair messed up?!" Sirius rushed to a window that gave him a faint reflection so that he could check his hair. He flipped his head to give it a bouncy look and smiled brilliantly at the reflection before going back to James, who was still giving him a peculiar look. "Alright what is it?"

"Huh? Oh I'm sorry, I'm simply trying to figure out how one can…er…'seduce my process'." James quoted Sirius and went back to calculating. Sirius smiled smugly.

"Ha. Too smart for you? Too big a word for your brain to handle? Don't know what it means, Jamesy-Poo?" Sirius taunted James as James continued to work out how one can seduce a process. Remus shook his head warily, knowing that Sirius meant 'deduced' not 'seduced'.

Sirius saw this out of the corner of his eye and his smug expression faltered. "I know that gesture."

"What gesture?" Remus asked innocently. He then proceeded to do it again.

"That shake. That 'Moony Disapproves of Your Stupidness' head shake."

Remus shook his head again at the made up word 'stupidness'.

"You just did it again!" Sirius pointed an accusing finger at Remus.

"Did not!"

"I saw it!"

"I did no such thing."

"Are you mocking me, Moony?"

"Of course not!"

It took Sirius a moment to realize that he said this with mock sincerity.

"Yes! Yes you are! You just did it! Ooh you're a tricky one, Moony. I've got my eyes on you." He tried to make the clever 'I'm watching you' gesture, but ended up poking himself painfully in both eyes. "ARGH! MY EYES! I'M BLINDED MOONY! SAVE ME!" Sirius clamped his hands over his eyes.

"Hey how come Moony always gets to save you?" James said, indignant. "He just mocked you."

"You're right!" Sirius said with realization. Still keeping one hand over his blinded eyes, Sirius stuck another arm out in front of him and pathetically tried to "come to James' voice", but tripped over Peter, who was situated on the floor. "ARGH MY ANKLE!"

"Oh sweet Lord." Remus looked at the heap of bodies on the floor. "Sometimes I wonder why I hang around with you three," he said to the pathetic pile that James had joined involuntarily whilst trying to help up Sirius, but ended up being pulled down instead.

"I take offense to that and ACK! PETER YOUR KNEE IS DANGEROULSY CLOSE TO MY GROINAL AREA AND—" Sirius screamed in a falsetto voice, while James laughed uncontrably. "ALL THE WAY THERE. PETER REMOVE YOUR KNEE!"

"I CANT, JAMES' ELBOW IS IN MY SIDE!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA"

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE PRONGS!"

"I SIMPLY CANT TAKE YOU SERIOULSY WHEN YOU SOUND LIKE LILY WHEN SHE SINGS IN THE SHOWER."

"…what?"

"Uhm, no I don't spy on her while she bathes…what are you talking about…."

"REMOVE YOUR KNEE PETER!" One of Sirius' hands went to what he thought was his crotch, but actually ended up being James', which made him squeal like a girl, feeling very violated. James tried to push Sirius off, but ended up pushing Peter, whose knee went into Sirius' groin yet again.

Remus couldn't stop laughing.

"UGH THAT IS IT!" Sirius elbowed James in the stomach, causing him to roll off of Sirius' back and then rolled off of Peter himself. The three detangled boys, one injured in three places, sat on the floor sprawled out. "That is precisely why I NEVER want you to save me, Prongs." Sirius, his voice still dangerously resembling a soprano in the school choir,

"It was Peter's knee, not mine that um…hurt your bits," James explained through breaths of laughter.

"It went there through your efforts of saving me from falling, though."

At that moment, James saw a flash of red. He looked up and saw a rather attractive view of Lily Evans, while he was laying on the floor. She stood over him, Sirius and Peter as they lay there.

"The three of you are morons," she announced with her hands on her hips, but she could barely hide the grin that was tugging at her lips.

"Lacey pink undies today, Lils?" James asked, his eyes wandering up her skirt. All traces of a grin left her face as Lily looked appalled and had no hesitation in stomping on his face before turning to go upstairs to her dorm.

"She's gorgeous when she's disgusted with me," James sighed, barely noticing a slight trickle of blood coming from his nose. He rubbed it with a stupid grin on his face. _Lily made him bleed. That was lily's work. Oh he taught her well. Involuntarily, but still. Baby steps._

"Prongs, can I ask you something?" Sirius looked over at him from his place on the carpet.

"Shoot."

"You're not mad at her for stomping your face in?"

"Not in the slightest. I'm proud of her. Good for her. If I were her I would have done the same thing to me."

"That doesn't make sense."

"It doesn't have to. Lily Evans just stomped on my face." He rubbed the spot again, lovingly. "That's totally one for the 'Contacts with Lily' notebook."

"Alright enough. I have a test for you Jamesy, "Sirius announced.

"Do you? You know, Lily always rubs her locket for good luck before a test."

"Yes, yes, I bloody know." Sirius' hand went to his pocket where his wand was.

"You know you could blow off a buttock if you keep your wand there," Peter pointed out.

"Thanks, Mum." Sirius grumbled sourly at Peter. "But I think my parts have been hurt enough for one day."

"I'm gonna laugh when your buttock blows off, Sirius."

"Love you too, Remus. _Accio Prongsy Poo's Test_." Sirius pointed the wand towards the boy's dorm rooms. A few moments later, a parchment whizzed down and landed in Sirius' hand. "There you are Prongsy. We need to know once and for all how you feel about Miss Evans before I go bloody insane."

"Alrighty Mr. Padfoot." James scurried over to where Sirius sat on the carpet. They gathered around the parchment that Sirius opened up and it revealed a—

"Padfoot this is nothing but a stupid list."

"Oi! This is not just 'a stupid list'. This is the key to survival. So marvel at it and worship it. This list is god. Ugh Prongs, don't bleed on god! Can we get the boy a tissue, for Merlin's sake!?"

Remus mentally did a healing spell much to James' dismay. "No! That was my proof of my contacts with Lily for the day!! She was the one that made me bleed. Now I have to go and touch her or something again as proof. Perhaps I can get her lacey pink underwear…."

Sirius watched him, a slight look of disgust and interest mingled on his face (the interest was because he hadn't seen Lily's lacey pink undies and therefore felt left out. He needed to see the undies in question and determine how lacey they were, whether or not they were flowery, boys briefs or bikini, thong or not, I mean there are MANY questions when one is inspecting underwear, in Sirius' opinion).

"This is your test. I want you to read it and, if you can think of an example for each, you…well I'll stop complaining, I suppose." Sirius lamely finished. James looked satisfied enough and sat by the fire. "C'mon mates, lets go to Hogsmeade. He'll be a while."

Peter, Remus and Sirius left James in the Common room with the list next to the fire.

**13 Signs You're In Love with Someone: **

**13. You can't stay mad at her for more than a minute or two. You have to actually try HARD to stay mad at them.**

James mused in the chair and rubbed his newly healed nose lovingly. He knew that if anyone else had done that to him, he would have to hurt them. But it wasn't just anyone that happened to break his nose. It was Lily. And that made it okay.

**12. You read any notes she might have passed you/recall any conversations you've ever had with her over and over again…**

"_Potter I'm going to need my Charms notes back to study for OWLs."_

"_Aw Evans, just gimme a little while longer with them. I'm dead in Charms, you know I am! I suck at it!"_

"_You suck at many things, Potter. Life for example. But I don't see you quitting that and ending your pathetic fifteen years, so hand them over."_

"_Lilyyyy"_

"_Potter!"_

"_Ha. You shouldn't have tried that, Lily."_

"_Seems to me that you're doing quite fine on Charms, Potter,"_

"_What makes you say that?"_

"_You turned my hair bright effing green. Again. Mentally. Now HAND THEM OVER!"_

"_Hey what are you –AHHH EVANS!"_

_Though he went through the rest of the day with a neon green sign attached to the back of his robes that read "I'm Flamboyantly Gay and Have Made out with Sirius Black," it was worth it just to look at her handwriting and the little hearts that she makes over her 'i's one more time…_

**11. You'll walk really REALLY slow when you're with her.**

"_Potter would you stop dragging your bloody feet? We're not even nearly done with Heads Rounds and with each corridor your supposed 'limp' gets worse and worse. Remind me what you did again?"_

"_Um…flying accident?"_

"_What sort?"_

"_I was attacked by a bowtruckle…on my broom? Yeah, it mistook my broom for a large tree and tried to nest in it and I swatted it away and it um…bit off my leg?"_

**10. You feel shy whenever you're with her, though you may not show it in the best ways. **

"_Bloody hell, James, you are in NO WAY blushing. God I hang out with pussies." _

"_I can't help it, Sirius. I don't know what's wrong with me! Remus help!"_

"_I can't do anything."_

"_Why the hell not!?"_

"_You've got a crush on her. Unless you'd like to walk around with women's make-up all day to conceal your blush every single time you see her, you are just going to have to deal with your—er—tint."_

"_Tint!? Ha! He looks like a friggen…bright red thing!"_

"_Good description, Sirius."_

"_Hehe. Lily. What a pretty name. How come I never noticed how pretty it is?"_

"_Oh my giddy aunt, did you just giggle?"_

"…_no…"_

"_JAMES! You disgrace me."_

_That day, James became a thirteen year old metro sexual, wearing some of Sirius' girlfriend's powder to cover up the odd red blush that crept up on him whenever Lily would look his way. _

**9. While thinking about her, your heart will beat faster and faster…**

"_WHAT THE DUCK!? MOONY WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!?"_

"_What is it!"_

"_I'M DYING MOONY! DYING!"_

"_You are not dying, just shut the hell up and tell me what's wrong."_

"_Moony! My heart! I THINK I'M HAVING ONE OF THOSE ATTACK THINGIES!"_

"_Does your arm hurt?" _

"_which one?"_

"_Left."_

…

"_Oh for goodness sake, James, you don't know your right from your left by now?!"_

"_IT'S HARD FOR SOME PEOPLE! SOME PEOPLE THAT ARE CURRENTLY DYING!! MY HEART MOONY MY HEART! OH WOE IS ME! I'M GOING TO DIE! I'M THIRTEEN YEARS OLD AND I'M GOING TO DIE!"_

"_Shut UP!"_

…

"_That's better. Now, what's wrong?"_

"_MY HEART! ITS GOING LIKE THUMPER RABBIT FROM THAT BLASTEDLY CUTE CHILDREN'S MUGGLE MOVIE BAMBI THAT IS ECRETLY LOVE. SINCE I'M DYING, I DON'T CARE IF EVERYONE KNOWS! I'M A BAMBI LOVER!"_

"_James you're not dying."_

"…_oh. Did I mention I shaved this morning? Manly shaving. With aftershave after that. And I ahem…oh look my voice just dropped another octave and…"_

"_James I lent you the Bambi movie. I knew it wasn't sucked into a black hole in your closet, I know you like to watch it, its alright."_

"_OH and I can spit really far! Manly spit and…"_

"_James what about your heart?"_

"_God yeah, um my heart is beating really fast and I've got this feeling like I'm going up and down really really fast and I like it and…"_

"_what did you eat this morning?" _

"_Not much. I stared at Lily all morning. She ate toast with butter and cereal!"_

"_Ah.. Hahahaha."_

"_What's so funny?"_

"_Hahahahahha."_

"_What is so bloody funny? Are you laughing at Lily!? Because I know she has an unusual appitite, but that's no reason to laugh at her!"_

"_HAHAHAHAH"_

"_STOP LAUGHING!!"_

**8. By listening to her voice, you'll smile for no reason.**

"_Potter I am trying to berate you for your behavior!"_

"_Yes Lily."_

"_Are you even listening to me?"_

"_Huh?"_

"_UGH! Potter you arrogant, insolent little…"_

_she's really pretty…._

"_AND WIPE THAT STUPID SMILE OFF YOUR FACE I AM **YELLING AT YOU **HERE! APPRECIATE IT!"_

"_I always do."_

**7. When looking at her, you can't see anyone else. **

"_What's he looking at, Moony?"_

"_Let him be, Sirius."_

"_I can't help it. It's like he's in a coma with his eyes open."_

"_Leave him alone, Siri."_

"_Let's throw things at him!"_

"_No—"_

"_Fine, Dad, Peter'll do it with me."_

"_Yay for throwing!"_

"_That's enough celebrating, Pete, McGonagall's looking at us."_

"_Sorry Sirius."_

"_Quite alright, good man."_

"_No what I was going to say was lets draw stuff on him instead!"_

"_I like the way you think my Muh-oony friend."_

"_Yeah, no big deal or anything but…well I'm a pretty huge deal."_

_James walked around all day with penises (or as teachers liked to describe them "rocketships") drawn on his cheeks and the attractive logo 'Make Love and Babies' penned across his forehead, but he didn't care. He realized that he was receiving strange looks from people, especially because just the week before he had a sign posted on his back that proclaimed his sexuality involved a preference for people of his same gender (compliments of Lily), but he didn't care. He looked at Lily all day, who was oblivious to it all. _

**6, You'll start listening to slow songs**

"_Thank youuuuuuu for loving meeeeee _

_For being my eyes _

_When I couldn't seeeeeeeee _

_For parting my lipssssssssss _

_When I couldn't breatheeeeeeeee _

_Thank you for loving meeeeeeeeee."_

"_Moony come and listen to this! HE'S DYING IN THERE!"_

"_Oh God is he singing in the shower again?"_

"_YEAH! No but seriously, is he okay? I think we should go in and rescue him."_

"_Remember what happened when you thought that yesterday when he butchered 'I wanna Hold your Hand' by the Beatles?"_

"_Yeah, but it was all in good fun!"_

"_You brought in a camera and took pictures of his nakedness."_

"…_Haha. Good times."_

"_What did you do with those pictures?"_

"_Oh they're on caution posters."_

"…_Caution Posters?!"_

"_Yeah. Here I've got a copy, read one."_

"'_Caution, sixteen year old boy, messy black hair, stupid grin, terrible singing voice, sounds like dying animal. Do not approach if he is singing and ask if he needs CPR. Might attack—see below picture.' Hmm that isn't a rather attractive photo of James."_

"_Nyeh, the ladies'll love it."_

"_He looks like a psychotic maniac."_

"_Oh well."_

"_A naked psychotic maniac."_

"_That. That's what I've done for him."_

"_Displayed his…parts all over the school?"_

"_For his fan-base."_

"_Some are still under the suspicion that he's gay, you know."_

"_Then its for his gay fan-base. See, he has one half of the school and I have the other half. If his half consists of more of the males, then more for me!"_

"_You're beyond help, Sirius. Totally incorrigible."_

_Lily wasn't too pleased with the photos, but her ears got red when she took every one of them down._

**5. She becomes all you think about**

"_James wanna play a pick up game of Quidditch?"_

"_Lily doesn't like Quidditch, you know. I don't understand how she can't dislike Quidditch! It's so likable."_

"_You say that about yourself. Look how that's turning out."_

"_You know Lily always says I say things about myself. I think that's rather silly don't you. That's just Lily. She's silly. Silly Lily. Hey that rhymes! Lily likes things that rhyme…poetry you know? Lily likes poetry by this dead dude named Emily Dickinson, you know. She taught me one. It was about love. It was kinda nice. She's kinda nice. I like her."_

"_Ugh. Wanna go and get some lunch, mate?"_

"_Lunch. Lily likes lunch. Hey! I'LL SEE HER THERE! C'mon Padfoot lets go!"_

"_YOU'RE HOPELESS! Hey stop pushing, STOP PUSHING! OW!"_

**4. You know the way she smells and you absolutely love it.**

"_Did you know Lily likes to wear the Lily of the Valley perfume I got her for Valentine's Day? My perfume!! I love that perfume on her. She smells amazing. And the perfume smell has traveled to all her books so when I borrow her charms notes to study for OWLs, I'll get to smell her too! HOW EXCITING! I want to smell her now. Hey! Lily! OI! EVANS!"_

"_James?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Stop waving. Someone might see you."_

"_That's the point, Moony!"_

"_No, someone might see you with me."_

**3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think of her. **

James tried this one. He pictured her eyes, her hair, her Lily of the Valley perfume, her smile, her laugh, the way she walks, the way she talks, the way she bites her lower lip when she's not sure of something and when she's worried about someone…

He felt his lips curl into a smile.

**2. You'll do anything for her**

"_Why did you do that?" _

"_Do what, Lily?" _

"…_Why did you come back for me? Death Eaters attack Hogsmeade and all you care about is my safety?"_

…

"_Po—James?"_

"_Because it wouldn't matter if I lived after that. If you…well if you—yeah."_

"_No."_

"_No what, Lily?"_

"_Don't walk away. Finish it."_

"_If you didn't live through it, then I wouldn't want to."_

"_Wow."_

"_What?"_

"_You've done it. You've grown up."_

"_Yeah well, I turned 17 last month…"_

"_No, that's not what I—"_

"_Yeah. I know what you mean."_

"_Well, I'm a bit tired."_

"_Yeah I'm off to bed too. Night Lily."_

"_G'night…James."_

James lost himself in that one memory. Death Eaters in Hogsmeade. Utter chaos. The near loss of Lily.

He shuttered. He never wanted to go through that again. The very thought made his insides ache with pain. Never. Never would he ever live without her. Living without her wasn't living at all. He reflected on all the times they had had together.

First through Seventh year. Borrowing notes just to look at her handwriting. Laughing with her seldomly, but it felt right when they reached silent truce at some intervals throughout the years; then, opening his mouth and spoiling every civilized conversation he had with her with some stupid remark about her body or something else degrading.

He scanned the page. His eyes found number one.

**1. While reading this there was one person you thought about the entire time. **

One person that he loved.

**X-X-X**

Sirius clutched the note in his hand that he shared with Lily in Potions.

_Oi, Evans_

**What?**

_How do you know when you're in love?_

…**You're in love?**

_No, it's not for me. Just write it down, I have no time to explain. It's just really important. Please._

…**Alright…**

And she did. She wrote it down. 13 things.

Sirius made a list out of them.

A test that everyone but Lily knew James would pass.

**X-X-X**

"_And now, its time for the vows. The bride and groom had prepared their own. Please, James, you first."_

_Lily clutched the note that Sirius had given back to her. The note they wrote their seventh year in potions class. On a Tuesday. Lily liked to remember things. _

_James took out a folded piece of paper, that had a few dried flecks of blood on it. The list that Sirius had given him in their seventh year. On a Wednesday. James liked to date things. It made it much easier than remembering stuff off the top of his head._

"_Lily, there are some signs that a person looks for when they're in love. Thirteen to be approximate. You know you're in love with someone when…"_

_And he listed them. All thirteen of them. _

"_James, when we were in school, I kept trying to come up with a reason not to be with you. First I thought it was your arrogance, your pride, your ability to do everything right the first time. I just couldn't figure out what everyone saw in you. _

"_And then one day in our seventh year. A Tuesday, actually, I was asked write down how you know when you're in love. And I thought. And I listed. _

"_And when I was writing them down, I realized something. You fit them perfectly. All thirteen of them."_

**X-X-X**

"_Lily, Harry won't stop crying."_

"_I fed him. Did you change him?"_

"_I have to do that?"_

"_You can smell it. if he doesn't need to be changed, then he doesn't—_

_er—send you signals."_

"_Nope, he smells lily-of-the-valley fresh."_

"_Did you realize they made that in baby powder?"_

"_You learn something new every day, eh?"_

"_Suppose so. Did you try burping him?"_

"_Yep."_

"_Maybe he's tired."_

"_Nope. Lily I think he wants to hear it…"_

"_Oh for god's sake NO James. I don't want our baby to turn out deaf."_

"_C'mon!! He likes it!"_

"_Ughh."_

…

"_Fine, if you must."_

"_Yay! You want Daddy to sing, don't you? Yes. _

_Ahem…  
Thank youuuu for loving meeeeee _

_For being my eyes _

_When I couldn't seeeeee _

_For parting my lipssssss _

_When I couldn't breatheeeeee _

_Thank youuuuu for loving meeeeee."_

**X-X-X**


End file.
